Health issues can be like gasoline on an already burning fire if your faith is starting to buckle. That is exactly what happened to me all those years ago when a fertility struggle unexpectedly walked into my life, jerrycan in hand. (See Post 9).
Fuel met flame and an inferno raged.
However, strange as it may sound, that’s not what happened this time around while dealing with Chiari Malformation. This time, battling a health issue somehow has had the opposite effect. It’s like the thing that should’ve re-ignited any last remaining smoldering embers from before, managed to snuff them out instead. What should’ve torn open a wound that was just beginning to heal, somehow stitched it back up instead.
Let me explain what I mean…
Back in the fall of 2020, my symptoms were getting worse and I found myself needing to stop and step back from so many things in my life I enjoyed doing. A side business teaching art workshops, attending church on Sundays, any amount of screen time, reading books, cleaning the house my way…I had to take a break from all of it.
Writing was the one thing that was particularly hard for me to let go of.
So many good things in my life felt like they were being stripped away from me. I felt like all I could do was lay on my couch and stare at the ceiling. Anything else would trigger awful dizziness and headaches. Some days I would be exhausted and frustrated, other days I would just be downright angry about it.
This should’ve been enough to reignite…everything.
However, there in the silence of my own house day after day, with no distractions to preoccupy me, is when I began to open up and start talking with God in a way I never had before.
I literally had nothing else to do. I knew it, and God knew it too.
I had the time (loads of time) and the quietness, to talk to Him like I never had before. I was undistracted in a way I had never been before.
So, I would just lay there and…talk to Him. Not like talking to a volleyball named Wilson, but like, an actual conversation. The kind where you say something and then keep your mouth shut long enough to listen for a response back.
I would cry out to Him with tears and ask Him “Why?!”. I would settle down and simply whisper…”Why?”
I would think about things I hadn’t thought about in a long time. I would let my mind wander to hard things I usually avoided. Things about God or the faith that still bugged me and I would get hung up on. The questions I was still asking and doubts I still had. Pain I just couldn’t quite get passed and lies disguised as truth I was still believing.
Things like this were still lingering. Old wounds weren’t quite healed. Hidden embers were still smoldering. THIS is what God wanted me to deal with during this last season. It was a time to go down real deep where it’s real dark and shine some light on things and let real healing take place.
It was a time of extended solitude with just me and Him to walk through the dark halls of my heart and open up rooms I had locked a long time ago. Although I didn’t fully realize it at the time, something beautiful and profound was taking place.
As the weeks and months passed of each day feeling like a repeat of the day before, I could feel something changing inside of me. There was a new calmness…a new stillness that was slowly replacing all the restlessness. A feisty restlessness that was still hanging on from before somewhere deep inside of me.
Learning to live with a chronic health issue is definitely not easy. Some days are just really, really hard. I still have to say no to things I want to say yes to and I have to keep a very loose grip on my expectations for what I’m able to get done in a day. However, if I hadn’t been dealing with this over the last couple of years, I would not have experienced the healing and restoration a deep part of me still needed.
A deep, deep settling has taken place and I feel more connected now to the person I was meant to be than I ever have before.
So, a thorn in my flesh? Perhaps.
But, it feels more like a divine bandage that’s been placed on an old wound, way down deep in my heart. Like holy sutures to close a wound that’s been bleeding for a very, very long time.
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Gives me chills. My favorite yet, & you know every post draws me in. Keep fighting the good fight, sister. Perhaps they are fewer now than we would all prefer, but that makes each word you write all the more precious to us! Your faith is a treasure, and I’m so thankful you share it as you are able!
Thank you so much Meredith! Your constant encouragement is a treasure :). Thank you for following along!
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart! Your blog and the group you made on FB helped me in ways that you could never know. It started me on a path toward healing and I can relate (at least in an emotional way) to what you shared, about how God has various ways he uses to bring about healing (how he tailors it to meet our exact need). While it has been a season of incredible pain and darkness, this has also been a season of light breaking through darkness and binding up of wounds. I’m so grateful for your work and your openness to share God’s faithfulness and goodness in your life even in the midst of such pain.
Oh, Jessica…Wow. I’m so thankful for and humbled by your words. I’m so sorry your season has been marked by so much pain, but I rejoice with you as those glorious rays of light are starting to break through. HUGS!!!