Say it again with me. To hell with fear.
I explained in my last post how fear is really my main reason for why I shouldn’t start a blog like this. Let me tell you, the fear is real. Fear causes me to doubt and overthink and second guess and tempts me to shrink away from this.
However, there is something even bigger and stronger than the fear that causes me to readjust my focus, steady my nerves and proceed with this anyway. I have a specific person in mind who I feel I’m really writing this for.
In so many ways I’m writing to the girl I was back in 2008. That’s who I have in my mind when I picture who might read this and connect with it. It’s the blog I wish I could’ve read back then when things were really starting to go sideways in my faith. I still know that girl well and I know that she will tolerate nothing but an honest, raw, authentic perspective on matters of the Christian faith. Nothing watered-down. Nothing cliché. Nothing surfacey. Nothing polished up just to look Sunday-pretty.
So with her in mind, it’s time for me to say to hell with fear and write about my story.
Because I can see how frustrated she is. I see how hurt and confused she is. I see how disappointed she is by the faith she devoted so much of her life to. I see how deeply she feels God let her down when she felt she trusted Him the most. I’m writing to the girl who, like me, grew up in the church but now feels restless and agitated and can’t help but stare at the glowing red EXIT sign above the door. The girl who’s wondering if she’s really better off out there, away from all…this. A world without Sunday morning church services, prayer, Bibles, Christians…God.
It’s that girl who needs to know that someone else gets her. She needs to know that someone else understands her need for just a little bit of breathing room. And I know how she wishes that, for once, someone would just let her vent and process things and then NOT offer to pray for her in return. She needs a Christian who doesn’t act ‘Christian’ to be in her corner rather than making her feel backed into one.
She’s the one I’m doing this for. She’s the one my heart still breaks for.
So fear, step aside and watch me do this anyway. Because I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it for her.
Hello! Thank you so very much for writing this. I think of all the greats of the Bible; Moses, Job, Jacob, Peter, and others, who ran into insurmountable hurdles of how they thought they fit into the grand scheme of Faith and who they thought God to be, and how they ended up empty handed and empty hearted some where along their story. I see you standing there with them in the telling of your story!!!
Trust sometimes feels like a small, fluttering butterfly we try to cup in our big clumsy hands, with wings so delicate and beautiful, easy to crush and so quick to flit and flutter away. And just like the Greats, when they lost hold of trust, it did not mean God lost hold of them.
Thank you for your blog, for pushing fear aside and sharing with us. So many need to hear your story. ❤️
Wow. Thank you so much Val! Your words encourage me more than you know 🙂
I was asking the Lord this evening for wisdom on how to be there for someone who is going through heartache that I don’t understand. I haven’t experienced her pain, what do I have to say to her that’s not cliche’ or churchy, but is loving, kind, gentle, accepting. Your writing is a God send, I now have new insight on how to just be there for her. Thank you & God bless!
Oh, wow. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. And I agree, just being there for your friend is perhaps the best and most loving thing you can do for her. She might just need a friend to sit quietly with her in the dark while the storm blows through. Thanks again for sharing this. Hugs.
“And I know how she wishes that, for once, someone would just let her vent and process things and then NOT offer to pray for her in return. She needs a Christian who doesn’t act ‘Christian’ to be in her corner rather than making her feel backed into one.”
VERY POWERFUL!!!
Gosh, this struck me. Even if you didn’t grow up in a church it’s hard to allow yourself that time to breathe and take in your terrible circumstance. It’s certainly unhealthy to avoid the issue or not talk about it. Christians are beautiful people who want the gifts of the spirit to be yours, especially the “happy” ones. It’s certainly hard to not see others as dismissive to your issues when they say they’ll pray for you, then move on with the conversation even when their intentions are pure. It’s hard to feel compassion when there’s seemingly not a receptive ear on the other end. It’s hard to not see the phrase “I’ll pray for you” as the best problem-solver, because a lot of the time it is, but sometimes we all just need another to cry with us, to be happy with us, or even to feel glad with us.
Christ wants nothing more for us than love, peace, growth, and a God worshipping heart. I think He wants that at ANY cost, even the cost of death- even the cost of sitting with your circumstance and evaluating it, being real with it, experiencing it for what it is without trying to pray for the relief of the pain of suffering through it, which is what others seem to want for us, because they love us and don’t want to see us hurt. I think suffering with it truly makes you appreciate better circumstances that much more, allowing for stronger worship during those better times.
I don’t think God wants us to suffer, but He wants us to grow from our suffering. A lot of people see the everyday gift of suffering as a burden too heavy to carry. That’s why we need the true compassion of our friends; we need to suffer with our friends and our friends need to suffer with us.
I love your insights and thoughts so much! Thanks for being here 🙂
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Wow! Thanks for sharing! Step aside Fear, and let Christine fly! I cant wait to hear your story. God Bless You, as I’m sure walking thru this pain will bring up feelings you’d rather leave to rest. Keep going strong, my friend. You and your voice are validated here!
Thank you so much! I’m really excited to do this. It’s been a really long time coming 🙂