But wait…
Before we ride off into the sunset, I need to take you back to 2011. There’s a gap in my story I need to fill in.
By 2011, the flood waters of anger and betrayal caused by the 2008 tsunami of disappointment (see Post #9) had slowly receded a bit. I still had no interest in going back to church or hanging with the Christian crowd. However, there was a brief moment around this time when I thought maybe someday I would heal and recover and be able to make faith part of my life again. Maybe one day God and I would have a second chance.
Doubtful…but maybe.
I would remember back to the good old days and wonder if maybe there was still a way to get back there…someday.
However, at this point my husband and I were still struggling to start a family (again, see Post #9). And frankly, God still didn’t seem too interested in helping us with this. So, I found a new doctor who was. Well friends, to my wondrous surprise a change in approaches seemed to be just what this long, drawn-out struggle needed.
After just a couple of short months, the day I had been dreaming of for years was now finally a beautiful reality. It was a day I had doubted many times I would ever see at all.
To my complete surprise and utter astonishment, I was finally staring at a positive pregnancy test.
It was finally my turn.
And you know what? I didn’t even pray and ask God for it. I didn’t have to grovel and beg or do anything like that. He just gave it to me. It was like He was showing me He had heard me all along and He knew this was the most precious desire of my heart. I was overwhelmed with such joy and relief.
It felt like such a gift. Such a beautiful gift.
I felt like God was finally showing me after all this time I really could trust Him with this. That He really is a good God and He really did have motherhood written into the plan for my life. It felt like such an invitation to take a step towards trusting Him again.
I was hesitant, but with this new excitement in my heart, I took that exact step.
After six or seven weeks we were able to get that first exciting ultrasound to hear the heartbeat and confirm there really was a tiny little human life growing in there. Just a few minutes into my appointment relief and joy and love washed over me and my husband both as we saw the tiny little flicker on the screen and heard the rapid “thump-thump-thump” sound of a tiny little beating heart.
During the ultrasound the sonographer made a quick but not-too-concerning comment about the heartbeat not being quite as high as they usually like to see. She didn’t seem too concerned so neither was I. When I went up to the check-out desk, the nurse told me they wanted me to come back the following week for a quick recheck to make sure things were progressing. Again, nobody seemed overly concerned about it so I tried not to be either.
I thought this was just precautionary. This must happen all the time. No big deal.
I returned the following week excited to see the little flicker on the screen and to hear once again the staticky “thump-thump-thump” of the tiny little heart of the big miracle God had so wondrously given me.
Instead, the only sound I heard that day was…silence.
Followed by the words:
“I’m so sorry, honey…I can’t find a heartbeat.”
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Related Posts
#9. How One Prayer Request Unraveled My Faith
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