“I’m so sorry…I can’t find a heartbeat.”
The words cut through me like a knife.
What did she say? Is she sure? There has to be some kind of mistake. Are you sure the machine is working? Do you even know what you’re doing? This can’t be happening…I don’t think I can breathe…This can’t be how my story goes…It just can’t be.
Next thing I knew I was being gently led into the doctor’s office where he sat down with me and patiently and compassionately tried to explain how sorry he was and how there really was no explanation as to why things like this happen, though how he wished he could provide me with one.
There was a true sincerity in his tone. I’m sure in his career he’s had to have this awful conversation with far too many of his delicate patients. He gave me information about what would happen next and in a blur I was back in my car trying to figure out what had just happened.
The next few weeks were the worst I had ever known. I felt awful all the time and nothing anyone could say or do made me feel any better. Nothing anyone said could make any sense of what happened. Just a couple of weeks earlier I thought God was showing me I could trust Him with this and I had actually started to believe it.
How foolish I felt now.
Any ground I felt I had slowly regained over the last three years in my faith was washed away in an instant. The anger, disappointment and betrayal returned even more aggressively than before. This time they brought a friend with them: Grief.
I had no words. No way of processing this kind of pain. How in the world could a loving Father God allow this to happen? How? After everything I had already been through.
I was already down, why the need to kick me? I had barely even caught my breath from when the wind got knocked out of me the last time I had trusted God. Now here I was reliving it all over again.
Trusting God, hopes up high, only to be crushed by brutal disappointment once again.
Out of anger and agonizing pain I screamed out asking Him “Why?! Why did you let this happen?! How could You?! Why didn’t you do anything to stop it?!”
Instead of looking full in His wonderful face, I found myself once again taking in a familiar sight: the back of God’s head.
The only real comfort and clarity I finally felt was when I heard some familiar words whispered once again to my aching heart.
God can’t be trusted with what I hold most near and dear to my heart.
It was the only thing that made any sense of my pain three years earlier and it was the only thing that made any sense of it now.
I had taken a foolish step to trust God only to be tricked and let down instead. I made a vow to myself to never make that mistake again. Ever. That door would remain closed forever for now I knew the truth. That there was, indeed, nothing but pain and confusion and betrayal waiting for me on the other side of it.
There was no hope for any sort of healing or repair. This damage was too great. The chasm was too big. The wound was too deep.
It was time to cut all ties and turn around one last time and never look back. Ever.
_________________________
Related Posts
#9. How One Prayer Request Unraveled My Faith
#22. There’s a Gap in My Story
_________________________
Struggling with your faith? Not sure where you belong? Come join my private facebook group to connect with others who are sorting things out too: