There was a time in my life when Christianity came so naturally to me. Most of it made sense and what didn’t, didn’t really bother me much. Me and the whole God/Christian thing appeared to be a perfect match.
But that feels like ages ago compared to where I am right now. I’ll tell you more about what happened soon (I promise!), but for now just know the season of my life I just described came to an abrupt end in 2008.
Merciless disappointment had hit my life and I felt the only choice I had was to get the hell outta Dodge. I spent the next eight years rejecting every ounce of the faith I had once held so dear. Then, almost four years ago, in a way that can only be described as miraculous, I rediscovered the Christian faith and I’ve been working hard to rebuild things ever since.
However, the rebuilding process has been a grueling task to say the least. Nothing about my faith has come easily to me this time around. Every bit of it seems to be something I wrestle with to some degree or another.
Honestly, not a Sunday goes by that I don’t get irritated in some way by something that happened at church (even now with online church). Sometimes it’s something the pastor said, or the lyrics in a song we sang, or hearing the words “Let us pray” or my kids being encouraged to memorize a cliché Bible verse.
All of this stuff reminds me of my previous life in the faith. And I’m still trying hard…really hard…to figure out how much of all that “Christian stuff” I want back in my life this time around.
So, since so much of this is just so hard for me most of the time, I can’t help but ask myself this one honest question:
Why am I still sticking around then?
Like, if all of this stuff irritates me so much and I have to fight so damn hard to understand what is true and what it is I believe anyway, why am I still here? Why don’t I just bail again?
I can only explain it like this:
There is something deep inside the very core of who I am that knows it’s all worth it. Something in me knows without a trace of doubt there is treasure to be found beneath the layers of confusion, anger, doubts and disappointment.
Something in me knows if I would just dig down deep enough to get below the misunderstandings, misinterpretations and denominational lines, I will find something beautiful there in that sacred space that will change my entire life.
Friends, I’m going after the very heart of God here. And I won’t stop until I’ve experienced him to the fullest measure possible this side of heaven.
I’ve just got to know what he’s like…and if I can trust him.
It’s not enough for me to simply be told or taught about God at this point (good, bad or otherwise).
I’ve got to see it all for myself and make up my own mind about him.
This is what I’m after and I’m not settling for anything less.
_______________________
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Love the raw genuineness of this post. Thank you for your boldness!
It’s a joy for me to share my real, honest, raw story here. It’s the only story I have and the only way I can tell it! Thank YOU for connecting with it 🙂 🙂 I can’t wait to share more 😉
Oh, sweet Christine. Your heart in this is beautiful. God will meet you, wherever you are on this journey. Your authentic searching and truth seeking is refreshing. While some are satisfied with faith they don’t fully comprehend, you are diving deeper. Proud of you for sharing. As I read I am noticing your longing for truth and authenticity, and within the different churches that is sometimes hard. Most people truly love the Lord and mean well, but we are human, flawed, sinful. This comes out sometimes in misguided leadership or even “in the name of righteousness” while in reality human motives drive some of these behaviors, not the Spirit. There’s grace for all of it. It’s getting to the point of allowing grace to cover your heart and being able to see others how Christ does… flawed, but covered in Christ’s purity and grace. Someday, we will see how it all comes together, but for now I remind myself that what is important is C (big C in church – God’s people period, not a human authority, but Christ’s authority) and my personal walk with him… growing in truth and grace and learning to love others like He does. This is not our world, thank goodness for that. Praying for you and am excited to continue to read about what the Lord is working thru your heart and life. Tell Jon hello. Love you, friend.
Wow, love your reply Laurel! Exactly what I wanted to tell my beautiful great niece, Christine.
Love your blog Christine! I know a lot of people, like myself, had a similar experience as you did during their search for a personal relationship with God. Looking forward to more. Love you 💕💕
Awe, I’m so glad you’re here and following along 🙂 It’s definitely time to come out of my bunker and share my story. I know the things I’ve experienced will help others.
My experience has been quite isolating for me. Hearing feedback like this from others telling me they also know what it’s like to wrestle hard with their faith puts so much wind in my sails and warmth in my soul.
Thank you for following along. I can’t wait to share more!
Love you!
Love this!
Thank you so much for these kind words and encouragement, Laurel! It’s been quite the battle so far, but the victories I’ve experienced along the way have been so sweet and life-changing. I’m in a much healthier place now than I’ve ever been with all of this stuff which is why I feel God telling me it’s now time to come out of hiding and share my story :). One thing that hasn’t changed though is my fierce appetite for truth and authenticity and my quest to find it. I’m finally able to use this deep desire to drive me towards God, rather than away from Him!
love you too!
This is where I am !!!
I’m so glad you get me on this and can relate! If you’re surrounded by Christians and wrestling with your faith, it can be an extremely isolating place to be. If that sounds like your situation at all, I’m so glad you’re here 🙂