I don’t actually trust God or believe half the stuff he says.
But I want to, and it’s something I’m working on. And as I’ve been working on it, there have been two things I’ve discovered that have given me so much freedom and precious breathing room.
The first is understanding that faith is a process. Anyone who tells you otherwise is simply selling religion.
The truth is, faith isn’t always the desired ‘up and to the right’ trajectory. If I were to graph my own journey it would start off with a sure, steady upward climb. Then, it would drop off sharply. Later, it would recover and start to climb again. Then it would dip a little. Then it would climb.
The point is, dips and drops are OK. They don’t disqualify. That’s precisely where grace comes in, because God my Creator understands that faith is a process.
The second thing that has given me such freedom and precious breathing room in my process is understanding that God is a patient God.
He has more patience for me than I could ever comprehend. My questions don’t bother him. My doubts don’t annoy him. My frustrations don’t frustrate him. My anger doesn’t anger him.
Why? Because he is a patient God. He’s patient with my questions and patient with my doubts. He’s patient with my frustrations and patient with my anger.
He’s patient with my process.
He gave me my logical, analytical brain and He understands how I (over)think. He also sees the hurt deep in my heart that I don’t talk about. He knows it’s there and He knows that’s where I keep getting stuck.
And then, he meets me there. Right there. Because He cares that I don’t actually trust Him. He cares that I don’t actually believe and understand just how much he loves me.
He cares about my process and He’s patient with me every step and stumble along the way.
So, because of all this, I’ve learned that when it comes to my faith I’m allowed to have questions. I’m allowed to have doubts. I’m allowed to engage my mind for crying out loud. I’m allowed to kick the tires of my own faith. I’m allowed to wrestle through the things I just can’t make sense of.
God knows my limits. He knows my hang-ups.
And He’s standing in front of me holding out a shovel.
It’s His way of inviting me to participate in my faith. Not by doing all the things culture says Christians are ‘supposed’ to do, but to really participate with my mind and with my heart.
The shovel is an invitation to go ahead and dig things up a bit. Things will surely get messy, but that’s alright.
It’s all part of the process. It’s all part of the story.
I have two quotes I’d like to talk about from this week’s blog.
“Why? Because he is a patient God. He’s patient with my questions and patient with my doubts. He’s patient with my frustrations and patient with my anger.
He’s patient with my process.”
This is what I’ve learned more recently (the past year or less.) Everyone tells you these things, but until you have the AHA moment, you just don’t get it. And even then we forget, because we are forgetful lumps of flesh – hahahahahah! We can find calmness and steadiness in our own behaviors and actions just by knowing HE is calm and steady. I think we don’t automatically think of Him as patient- calm/steady because there are a lot of experiences we’ve had where individuals are just NOT this way. I see it is like this example; you work with an individual who flies off the handle about everything constantly or puts you down. You go in to work everyday wondering if today will be a good day or a nerve-wracking day. Even when this individual is being polite, you’re waiting for them to drop the bomb. This anxiety eventually carries over into other relationships you have and you start becoming on edge, until that one person doesn’t judge you for your anxieties, anger, and frustrations, yet helps you work through them- sacrifices him or herself to be that temporary punching bag for you to fail with time and time again (and no I’m not talking about abuse- just the act of maybe snapping at a friend who has never deserved it, who is patient with you and decides to ask you about what’s going on rather than getting defensive and upset about it, because they are hurting then for you too.) Jesus is like that friend who will always be that safe haven.
I think having this friend in Jesus benefits us, because we condemn ourselves for our behavior; we begin to feel guilty for not doing as Jesus wants for us, because He doesn’t respond to our hurt by furthering our damage. Instead, He listens, shows compassion, and if we ask, guides us to finding the solution. This allows us to take a step back to acknowledge where our pain came from- not Him, but somewhere else. When we apologize for our irrational behaviors in response to hurt, we start to heal.
The fact of the matter is that we are made of flesh and cannot escape that fact. Jesus leads by example in being the only sinless being of flesh and we know we can never be HIM, but of course we can try.
The other quote I wanted to talk about was this; “It’s His way of inviting me to participate in my faith. Not by doing all the things culture says Christians are ‘supposed’ to do, but to really participate with my mind and with my heart.”
Automating our faith leaves little room for Rhema/ the Holy Spirit, because pattern can lead to indifference, whereas searching for if there are any new answers can lead us to passion- which obviously is the perfect space for the Holy Spirit to drop in. 🙂 Mostly every issue we will ever face is going to be unique in some way or another. It may look similar to an issue we’ve already solved, but it is not always the same; there is never a one-size-fits-all answer to life. This is why it is so important that we build relationship with Jesus. Jesus’s teachings can build protection around our soul while we adventure into the unknown in search of the Holy Spirit. Our Christian brothers and sisters want what is best for us and will always provide the answers according to the Bible, because that is the most they can do for us. They cannot seek the Holy Spirit for us- only we can. I think obstacles may come in between us and the Holy Spirit when others don’t understand that you aren’t being defiant against God, rather you are finding the right path to God- the path that He needs to take you down to grow you. As long as you’re seeking Him in your heart, you’re doing what is right.
I think about the vast differences between the characters in the Bible and how God called them to do vastly different things. There were different strengths that each character had and different duties they were to fulfill. Why did God tell Samson not to cut his hair, yet didn’t directly order every single other person in the Bible to do so? God personalizes our relationship with Him to meet OUR PURPOSE that HE had in mind when He created us, not the purpose of others. We must be careful not to misuse our energy for others’ purposes if it gets in the way of our purpose. Let me reiterate that I’m not saying we cannot help others with their purposes, because I believe we are called to do that, but we mustn’t drain ourselves so much that we lose sight of HIS purpose for us.
Thank you for stating want others are afraid to share. We all have our ups and downs with our faith in God. He has our six so to speak. Keep up the good messages.
Thank you so much Nancy!
This is uncomfortable to read haha, but in a good way! 🙂
Hahaha…good! My approach to the faith is definitely a little unconventional. If you think this is a little uncomfortable, wait til I get going. I have some juicy stuff coming up…haha.
Can’t wait!
THIS is my God…”He’s patient with my process”. So good Christine. Love how you pour your TRUE heart into these and not the censored, squeaky clean, cliche Christian greeting card stuff we are so used to hearing. Love the place God has led you to where your love for him explodes into words that sing like the Psalms. Keep writing!
Oh wow, thank you so much for that! I’m just getting started and I have so, so, so much more to share. None of it censored, squeaky clean or cliche, I promise ;). Thanks for following along 🙂