Nearly 26 years of devotion to God now suddenly seemed like the biggest waste of time imaginable.
God is not a God I can trust. Yes, that does seem to explain how I ended up in this mess.
The more I considered those words, the more they made sense.
The unraveling process began right then and there. There was nothing I could do to stop it. Those seeds of doubt were quick to sprout and send their sharp, jagged roots down deep into my heart.
But friends, let me stop right here and say I hope you understand this wasn’t all simply because I didn’t get what I wanted in prayer. This was so, so much deeper than that. I hope you’re picking up on that.
This was all because I felt I had fully trusted God with the most precious desire of my heart only to have him crush me with it instead. I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. I thought I was putting into practice everything the Christian faith had taught me and modeled for me up until that point.
If God places a desire in your heart, you’re supposed to pray and boldly ask for it, right?
And when you ask, you’re not supposed to doubt, right?
You’re supposed to pray for big, impossible things and watch God do it, right?
Because God is a God of miracles and he did a miracle for this person and for that person so why wouldn’t he do the same for me, right?
Wrong.
After facing such brutal disappointment waves of unbearable grief, sadness and confusion consumed me. As my grief turned to anger, I decided walking away from Christianity was the only option I had. None of it seemed to make any sense to me in the aftermath of such merciless disappointment.
I was done with God and prayer and going to church and trying to always do the right thing. I was done with playing the role of the good little Christian girl. I was done believing. I was done with faith.
The religion I thought would always be my rock and my foundation and my guiding light suddenly seemed so cheap and flimsy and dark. It’s like it was all make-believe and I had bought right into everything it had tried to sell me my whole life.
Now, God seemed darkly mysterious and shifty and cruel and mean…if he even truly existed at all, that is. I concluded if God was real, he wasn’t the type of being I wanted to have anything to do with anyway.
So, I bailed. I bailed on Christianity, on my church, my Christian friends, and on God himself. In the midst of such disorienting confusion there were at least two things I was finally sure of:
Faith was for suckers and I was done with being a Christian.
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I mean, done with MOST of your Christian friends. Right? 😉♥️
You’re killing it here friend – one of my favorite emails on Mondays is the update that you have a new post up!!!! Cheering my heart out for you Chrissy!!!
Awe, thanks so much Ashley! And yes, for some reason I couldn’t push you away and you wouldn’t leave either…lol. Love you friend! So glad you’re here for this part of my story too 🙂