I didn’t completely hate it.
How was this even possible? This wasn’t supposed to happen. That’s not at all how that Sunday morning was supposed to go.
I was supposed to get mad and angry. I was supposed to get irritated and annoyed. I was supposed to proudly shine my “I Told You So” crown on the way home when my husband asked me what I thought about it.
But instead I found myself…curious? Intrigued? Interested? What?
I was just as confused as he was on the car ride home that day.
To both of our great surprise I agreed to go back the following Sunday, and the next Sunday, and the next Sunday after that. Though we had moved towns and this was a completely different church than the one I had left years before, something here felt…familiar? I couldn’t quite put my finger on it or define it. But whatever it was left me wanting more.
But still, I couldn’t believe it. I had voluntarily gone to church and I didn’t completely hate it. This hadn’t happened in eight long years. In this strange new state of curious wonder and surprise the only question I could utter was simply this:
What in the world was going on?
What was going on? It’s as simple and as strange and as hard to explain as this: My heart missed God. That’s the best–and only–way I can put it into words. Like a confused star player suddenly benched on the sidelines, I watched as that tiny ember hidden in my heart took on a life of its own. This time, it wouldn’t be silenced, restrained or ignored.
I could not believe my eyes. After everything that had happened. After all the hurt and pain. After all the perceived betrayal and rejection–my compass needle continued to point heavenward. My heart still wanted God. Not only did it want God, it longed with a pleading desperation to reconnect with Him.
I tried to argue and fight it. I told myself there’s no way this was happening. This doesn’t make any sense. I thought I knew better than this.
Like an overprotective parent, the logical and analytical part of me tried for nearly a decade to keep my heart ‘safe’ from the reach of God. I had all of my well-thought out arguments and proof ready to go at all times.
But in 2016, all of my arguments and logical proofs had finally met their match. There’s no way they stood a chance against what they were up against this time. There’s no way they could out-argue, out-reason, or out-prove the unexplainable force that draws a human heart to the very heart of God. And this is exactly what was going on here.
For the first time in years I didn’t care about the questions. I didn’t care about the answers. I didn’t want to analyze a darn thing. My heart missed God. That was all that mattered. I missed God. I missed him so very much. That was the only thing I cared about now.
The most wondrous thing was happening here no human intellect or power of hell could stop, explain, control or contain.
My aching heart was finally beginning to engage with God in a powerful, deep and profound way. This was heaven coming down and touching earth. This was the breath of heaven breathing new life into my crushed spirit.
This was me, unable to move. Mouth shut, eyes wide open taking in the wonder and mystery of it all.
Disbelief upon disbelief couldn’t change what I saw as I took a big, long look around at what was happening.
I was indeed standing in the middle of a miracle.
Why this phase was/is necessary:
Because now I can finally rebuild. And this is what I’ve been doing for the last four years. So much rebuilding. It’s been a slow process to say the least.
But now my roots are going deep. The eyes of my heart are seeing a completely different God than the god I thought I knew. I want to know as much of Him as I can. He’s beautiful and I don’t want to look away. I want to look deep into His eyes because I’ve never felt more loved than when I do.
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#16. Phase 1: The Restless Phase
#20. Phase 5: The Unexpected Phase
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Struggling with your faith? Not sure where you belong? Come join my private facebook group to connect with others who are sorting things out too. “Complicated Faith: a space for the doubting and questioning“.
Wonderful. This is the miracle I long to witness as I wait and pray for God’s promise to come to pass, “Raise your children in the ways of the Lord, and when they are old, they will not depart.”. She will return.
She might just be working on her own story right now. Perhaps she’ll even write a blog about it one day :).