I didn’t see this one coming. This phase caught me completely off-guard.
At this point in my story, I was not expecting anything about my view on faith, on Christianity or on God to change. Nor was I hoping it would. Remember, I was still quite happy and content with the way things were.
I was settled. I was content. I was happy with the way things in my life were finally going.
I had no intention of becoming a “church-going, person of faith” ever again. I didn’t want to return to that life. Things were so much easier and simpler without religion and churchy stuff getting in the way and making everything so complicated and difficult again.
Besides, my old life of faith still looked like a burned down, desolate wasteland. Why would I ever want to return to that? There was nothing there worth salvaging.
Or was there…
Though the landscape on the surface looked dormant and forgotten, there was something unexpected that had survived years of abandonment and neglect. Way down deep, buried beneath layers of ash and debris was a small glowing ember that refused to be extinguished completely.
It was something I had been denying the whole time. It was something deep in my soul I had refused to admit or accept. I tried to silence it and keep hidden out of sight under the rubble for nearly a decade. It was something I thought I could control by ignoring it and dismissing it as foolishness.
However, what was once seemingly unnoticeable and undetectable, was about to become unpredictable.
To my complete disbelief, something had indeed survived the storm that laid waste to my faith all those years before.
Something had been preserved and remained intact beneath the still-barren landscape on the surface.
All it needed was just a little wind at just the right time…
That’s all it would take and that’s exactly what happened.
For me, this ‘little wind’ looked like me stubbornly agreeing to attend church one July morning in 2016 with my husband and kids (this in and of itself is a whole other story). I didn’t go because I was hoping to like it. Honestly, I was just hoping to get through it without storming out and causing a scene.
But evidently that’s all God needed from me.
One step.
One stubborn, halfhearted, disinterested, foot-dragging step through the doors was all it took.
I don’t remember what the sermon was about or which pastor even delivered it. (I wasn’t there to take notes or make memories). What I do remember was how I was fully expecting to force myself to suffer through the whole dumb ordeal and then give my husband an earful about what a stupid waste of time it all was on the ride home.
Surely, this was going to be a one-time, never again sort of thing.
But something completely unexpected happened to me while I was sitting in my seat that morning. I tried to deny it and fight it for as long as I could but it was no use.
Now I’m not one to argue with facts. And the obvious fact for me that morning was this:
I didn’t completely hate it.
No matter how hard I tried, I just didn’t hate it. I was supposed to be angry and irritated and judgmental and annoyed. But that Sunday?
I just wasn’t.
Talk about unexpected.
Why this phase was necessary:
Because the order of events here is extremely important. God initiated this one. I didn’t get down on my knees and pray, ask, beg or otherwise plead with Him to take an interest in my life. I wasn’t on my best behavior, hoping He would notice and reward me by interacting with me. No. Couldn’t have been more opposite.
I wasn’t looking for God. But He sure did come looking for me.
And He was using this little unexpected transition phase to perfectly set up Phase 6.
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#16. Phase 1: The Restless Phase
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“Struggling with your faith? Not sure where you belong? Join my private facebook group to connect with others who are sorting things out too: Complicated Faith: a space for the doubting and questioning
Something that stood out to me while reading this part of your journey through this phase, was how God chooses to be the one to initiate movement. I’ve noticed that too in my journey so far. I think I spoke too soon when I said I was in phase 3. It’s been a weird amalgamation of these phases for me so far. But in the times I’ve noticed God do something, or I’m hoping he is doing something, it’s usually when I’m in no position to say that I deserve it. It completely takes away any chance for pride to take root. It’s humbling.
Thank you for your honesty and for creating a space to think through the doubts and questions.
I love how you are engaging in your own journey. You are in such a cool place. These phases for me were something I didn’t put together until hindsight. And their beginnings and endings were quite fluid. It’s not like I went to bed one night in Phase 3 and woke up in the morning suddenly in Phase 4. I’m sure there was plenty of gray area and back and forth in between as I went along. And for you, who knows, maybe one day you’ll look back and see a completely different way your own Phases are stitched together. And that will be a light for someone else coming along behind you ;).
Keep going friend. Keep going. 🙂