#19. Phase 4: The Shift

This is when I felt things start to shift.  

By now, a little time had gone by. My anger was still there, but not as obvious anymore. Professional counseling and a couple of big positive life changes helped put some wonderful distance between myself and those painful memories of past disappointments.  

Church and religion continued to no longer be part of my life. I was quite happy with keeping it all at a distance. I could not get to a place where I was ready or willing to accept God and all that church stuff back into my life again.  

Things finally felt like they were calming down. 

It finally felt like things in my life were falling into place.  

I felt content. I felt happy. I felt settled. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt like this. I certainly didn’t want to ruin anything by going back to church now. 

I was happy with my life as a non-believing, non-church goer.  

However…

Every once in a while I would unexpectedly find my mind wandering back to the good old days in my faith. Back to before everything unraveled right before my very eyes. 

I would find myself thinking about some of the things I had once loved so much. Things like my old church and the friends I had now lost touch with. I would glance at my dusty Bible and stop for a beat at the memories of how many times it was the first place I would turn when I needed help or guidance. Or I would accidentally come across an old journal filled with thoughts and prayers about whatever was on my mind that day–all proof of the relationship with God I once had. 

Now, however, it all seemed so silly. It all seemed like a distant season of my life I would absolutely never return to. That ship had sailed and I was happy to see it go.  

But still…every once in a while the door in my heart would crack open just enough for me to peer through and remember the good old days. My mind would wander back to a simpler time in my faith. With tugs of longing I would wonder if things really had to be this way. Would it ever be possible for me to go back to the way things were?

The question would always hang in the air around me for a moment. 

But suddenly, the harsh reality of the situation would hit me and I would slam the door closed again. I would snap out of my little trance and remember it was a life I surely did NOT want to return to. I would remind myself I shut that door for a reason and it was never to be reopened…ever.  

But still…every once in a while I would catch my mind wandering yet again…

Why this phase was necessary: 

Because I still understood so little about God. I couldn’t simply accept things because I was told I should. Every single aspect of my experience in the faith was called into question. If something didn’t make sense I continued to reject it. Yes, a tiny part of me still wanted God back in my life. But that was like a drop in the bucket compared to how much of me absolutely did not.  

But also this phase was necessary because recognizing this conflict and tension was about to set up Phase 5.

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Related Posts

#16. Phase 1: The Restless Phase

#17. Phase 2: The Fun Phase

#18. Phase 3: The Dark Phase

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