In Phase 2 I didn’t just ‘stop going to church’. I had decided to completely bail on the entire Christian religion and on God Himself altogether.
And this is where that decision eventually led me.
This was the worst phase of them all but God knew I couldn’t skip it.
The original thrill of rebellion had worn off and I was now left in a dark, disorienting place. Instead of feeling confident, powerful and strong, I now felt extremely alone, isolated and miserable. I was completely without hope, frustrated and…scared.
Despair surrounded me and joy was nowhere to be found. Everything was dark from sunrise to sunset. I felt awful all the time. And now, I had no idea how to make anything any better. I had no idea what to do or where to go next.
I thought life was supposed to be better outside the walls of the church and the confines of religion.
After all, that exit sign had once shone so brightly. It had been like a glorious beacon of opportunity pointing the way to a wonderful world of freedom. But now it all seemed like a classic bait-and-switch. It was all just an empty promise. It was all a lie.
It’s true I did feel better for a little while and things seemed like they were going so well. But now, what was this? What happened? Why was I now feeling so…empty?
At this point part of me wanted God back in my life so badly. But I couldn’t make Him or anything else about Him make sense again. It felt impossible. The very thing I knew deep down could make everything right again was the one thing I still wanted to have nothing to do with.
The damage had been done and it was beyond repair. I was still so angry and still so hurt. There’s no way I could return to that.
I just couldn’t get there. I couldn’t get past the logic and the analyzing and the questioning my brain seemed to never tire of. My soul wanted it…was desperate for it…and yet my own heart refused to consider the idea of inviting God back into my life again.
Eventually the darkness settled in around me so thick I thought it might overtake me…and I thought sometimes I would be OK if it did.
The thoughts and confusion and battle in my head just would not stop.
I would often think about death and imagined how quiet it must be. Finally an escape from the thoughts in my head. I wouldn’t say I was truly suicidal, but the ease at which I was able to think thoughts like this alarmed me enough to seek out professional counseling. The counselor I saw was incredibly patient and insightful. She helped me navigate my way through this awful darkness until I could see light begin to creep back in again.
Why this phase was necessary:
First, I needed the space to wrestle with God. And…wow…wrestling is exactly what I did. Second, I needed to know for myself how dark darkness can really be in order to fully appreciate how good and beautiful the light is.
God couldn’t spare this one for me. He couldn’t provide a shortcut.
If He did, it would’ve cheapened Phase 4 and 5.
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Related Posts
#16. Phase 1: The Restless Phase
#4. The Messy Process of Faith
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I’m still in phase 2 and enjoying my walk away just 3 weeks now, but I’ve been in this phase for about 2 years. All the hate, greed, and malice in the world has sucked all life from me. Despite always wanting kids, I’m now glad I never brought any into this world! I know that will sound harsh, but I HATE what the world is now. I often welcome the darkness and solitude like a warm blanket swaddling me. I often think of the other side, and not so much the eternal glory of heaven, but more of just not being here anymore. I’ve lost track, both physically and mentally, of the words I’ve written down about how nice it will be when it’s over and done. Ironically the silence of it all sometimes seems to beckon like a sirens song to a sailor. I am not suicidal, but just sometimes the alternative seems infinitely more of what I need instead of this wasting draining life.
Thank you so much Phil for your raw honesty about where you are right now. Not enough people are talking about this kind of stuff. Thank you.
I’m stuck in this phase. It’s been four years trying to learn how to cope with being here. The darkness you described, I know it too. And it’s scary, because being stuck here it feels impossible to ever get my bearings and find my way out or through. The disorientation. The hopelessness. Faith right now, for me, looks like holding out one day at a time hoping that maybe at some point God will remember me. That He’ll remember that He loved me and, if it’s true that He doesn’t change, that He might still want me. And the things I’ve become ensnared to trying to cope with the darkness, that He’ll have mercy and empower me to break free from. Hope feels like an impossible weight to lift.
I’m grateful to you for sharing this part of your journey.
I love it that you’re connecting with my story. But I hate it that this is the part you’re connecting with. Ugh. Damn. I remember my dark days so well. This was actually a really hard post to write because I just did not want to go back there. Thank you so much again for reaching out and commenting here. You might roll your eyes at the next 3 things I’m going to tell you (I probably would’ve back in my own Phase 3 so it’s ok 😉 ). BUT, I’m going to say them anyway.
1.) God absolutely loves you a massive amount (and He remembers He does).
2.) God absolutely still wants you back.
3.) There’s nothing you can do in your season of darkness that will make God love you any less or cause Him to change His mind on 1 & 2.
Thank you so much for following along. My story gets better. And I’m confident yours does too. It’s no accident we’ve connected 😉
Wow. This phase is powerful. Thank you for being real about this part.