I absolutely did not want to be a Christian anymore.
This is the phase where I couldn’t keep it in any longer. My skepticism and frustration completely took over. Nothing about God or Christianity or religion made sense or even seemed logical. Not a single thing about any of it was appealing to me anymore. With no real reason to stay, I quickly bolted out the exit door.
I call this “The Fun Phase” because it literally was so much fun to go against the only grain I knew and stop doing all the Christian things. I stopped going to church and wiped my calendar clean of all other Christian activities. I started distancing myself from my Christian friends, turned off the Christian music and parked my Bible on the shelf.
And you know what… It Felt GREAT!
It felt amazing. My entire life I had always tried to be the good little Christian girl. I always tried to do what I was supposed to do. I always tried to follow the rules. The thought of breaking those stiff rules was wonderful and freeing.
It felt incredible to finally feel like there was no Christian mold I had to try to fit into. I was finally free to be myself…though I barely knew who I even was without the label of “religious person”. I knew one thing–I sure was excited to find out.
I was finally free to think on my own. I did not have to believe something just because I was taught my whole life to believe it. I was free to believe whatever I felt made sense. If it didn’t make sense to me I was free to reject it.
I felt like this was the best decision I had ever made.
I felt powerful. I felt confident. I felt strong.
It truly was a thrilling and exciting time for me. In fact, I felt more alive during this time in my life than I ever had. Life just seemed a lot simpler and less complicated without religious rules and expectations weighing me down.
All of this confirmed to me even more how rejecting Christianity and everything that went along with it was the obvious and right decision for me.
Why this phase was necessary:
This phase was necessary because I needed to know not being a Christian was an option. Perhaps not a very good option. But still, an option. I needed to know I was free to either accept it or reject it. I needed to know it was MY decision alone to make. I needed to know I was allowed to skip out on church, close my Bible, break the prayer chain and forgo the songs. I needed to know I was allowed to do ‘non-Christian’ things like use bad words and drink alcohol (gasp!). I needed the freedom to figure out who the real me was without Christians telling me who that person was supposed to be.
However, the major problem with Phase 2 was it didn’t last and I found myself in Phase 3.
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Related Posts
#16. Phase 1: The Restless Phase
#4. The Messy Process of Faith
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Struggling with your faith? Not sure where you belong? Join my private facebook group to connect with others who are sorting things out too: “Complicated Faith: A Space for the Doubting and Questioning”
Thank you for writing your journey through struggling with faith. In many ways I can relate to the phases you went through. I want to say it gives me hope but I’ve been stuck for such a long time in the same phase that it has a sense of permanence to it. I’m looking forward to reading more about your journey and the things you had to work through to ‘come back’. I want to come back. I want to say I miss God, but certain emotions are still too prevalent and it kind of overshadows the good parts of my relationship with God in how I used to relate to Him. I want to see how you journeyed through that if you are open to share. Thank you for your honesty and for the group you made. I’m trying to temper my hopes, so many times I thought that I’d be able to work through what made me walk away but it would come to nothing and I’d be left feeling disappointed and frustrated. I want to want to come back. Anyway, thank you again.
Hi Jessica! I’m so glad you’re here and have connected with parts of my story so far. Yes, I definitely have a lot more to share about the things I had to work through to get to this point. BUT I also have a lot to share about the things I am still working through b/c things didn’t just snap back overnight…I’m still very much in the process. And it sounds like you’re in your own process too. Thank you so much for your honesty in sharing exactly where you are with things. I love that last part you wrote: “I want to want to come back.” That’s just so honest. I love it.
I really am so glad you’re here. Please feel free to reach out anytime (either here, in the group, email, whatever) if you need a safe space to vent or to get some thoughts out of your head. I’m no answer girl, but I’m happy to be a friend in your corner to help you where I can.
~Christine
Totally in this phase now after 2 weeks of skipping out on the Sunday routine. For me it feels good not having the feeling of anger and seeing the hypocrisy of my usual Sunday morning at church.