In the next few blog posts, I’m going to zoom out a little. I want to give you an overview of the whole process I went through. I’m hoping to give you a glimpse inside the mind and heart of someone like me–from the restless beginning all the way through to the rebuilding season I’m in now. Perhaps you’ll nod along with it in a uniquely personal way or perhaps you’ll understand just a little bit better that person in your life who’s in the middle of their own struggle.
There’s six distinct phases I went through and each one had its own unique purpose.
Phase 1
This consists of the 2-3 years leading up to my walking away.
During this time I was growing increasingly restless in my faith. I started questioning things I never thought to question before and started feeling more and more confused and unsettled.
On the surface things looked fine. If you would’ve asked me, I would’ve told you things were fine. I honestly believed they were.
But, there was something brewing deep down inside I didn’t even realize was happening, though I could feel its effect. Feelings of frustration and aggravation would flare up unexpectedly. Sometimes it would be during church on Sunday or even simply while talking with a friend. It’s like, something would flare up, get me all irritated and confused, but then would recede and everything would return to normal.
I would take note, but then just sort of try to brush it off.
I genuinely loved my church and my friends and felt very connected to the people there. It felt like a family and I was happy to be a part of it. I felt like I belonged there.
However, the unexpected jolts of frustration and irritation started to come a little more frequently as time went on. I could no sooner explain them than I could stop them.
Eventually it all became too much. As my restlessness increased, so did my skepticism. When I knelt down to pray that one last time in June of 2008 that God would finally allow us to conceive a child, it was my desperate cry for a miracle.
I thought this was how God was going to come through for me in a miraculous way and He would silence all the nonsense and noise. I had been trying so hard to fight the increasing restlessness.
I thought God would finally say yes and all the awfulness would stop and everything would go back to normal.
But you know that’s not how my story goes.
God denied my request for the zillionth time. Instead of silencing my doubts and skepticism, it only confirmed them.
So, instead of trying to ignore my questions and frustrations by keeping them locked in a vault in my heart, I felt I had no other choice but to open the lock, hold the door wide open and let everything come spewing out.
Why this phase was necessary: This was me finally starting to be honest with myself about what I thought about things. My whole life I had just believed things because I was told to believe them. I never really gave myself the freedom to speak up and say “Hey! I don’t get this!”. All of these questions and doubts were slowly building in the vault of my heart and I could only keep it contained for so long.
Which is why I inevitably found myself in Phase 2.
Before I get to Phase 2, I want to hear from you. Anyone relate with Phase One?
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#3. Christianity Doesn’t Always Stick
I don’t generally have any sharp moments of anger, rather when I have been at church or get a communication from them it’s more of that constant needling, never ending, ceaseless feeling of what now or did you just really go there. It’s been that way for about 12-18 months steadily.