Good Behavior In = Blessings Out
It was this damn equation that let me down.
My beautiful, beloved, predictable equation had failed me miserably in 2008 (more on this to come). The anger and betrayal left behind in my heart as a result is what completely unraveled me…and my belief in a good God.
Tragically, I had no idea this equation would end up posing such a problem for me. I thought it was how the Christian faith worked. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, what everyone expected of me.
I studied the role of the good little Christian girl and I played it well…a little too well. I fooled everyone, including myself.
But I didn’t fool God.
He could see my roots weren’t growing as deep as they needed to in order for me to reach the fullest potential he saw in me. Shallow roots were never going to get me what God knew my heart truly wanted.
And you know what you (lovingly) do to a plant to stimulate growth? You prune it.
In some cases, you prune the hell out of it.
My good behavior, gold stars and striving for approval were getting in the way of me experiencing the very heart of God the way I was meant to experience it. But I couldn’t let go. I loved my equation. I loved my formula. It’s how I made sense of my world.
But God’s love doesn’t make sense (this is a good thing). And it can’t be confined to an equation like that.
Oftentimes I wonder if disappointment (read: pain) really was the only way to get me to let go of my equation. Not because God is mean and brutal. But because I was holding onto it so tightly. And it was preventing me from experiencing the very thing God knew my heart longed for most.
God could see how deeply my heart longed to connect with him and how my precious equation was never going to get me there.
He cared that my experience of His deep, true love for me was transactional at best. If I’m brutally honest with myself, I can’t help but agree that pain was likely the only thing that would’ve worked to level it all so I could be in a position to rebuild my faith on something true, something that would last.
Christian activities, church involvement, mechanical Bible verse memorization–none of it positioned me in a place where I could experience the life-changing love of God.
It all had to go. It all had to come down so something true and lasting and life-changing could be rebuilt.
So, what about you? Where has God gone rogue in your life? What’s your equation that isn’t adding up?
Great post and oh so true. I’ve been living in the shadow of myself for quite some time. It’s comfortable and isolating and feels protective; however, it’s also shallow, a suffocating lie, and incredibly lonely. The only thing I’ve managed to do is cut myself off from investing in others and myself. I’ve been so afraid of making a mistake that I’m living in the biggest mistake of all…short changing myself and my walk with God. I put God into a frame of reference in my mind and heart that I think works best for me. I don’t celebrate God for who He is because I focus too much on what blessings he’s doing for me. I keep thinking of Jobe. He loved God above all else. He chose to love God first for who God is not what God did for him. There’s a huge difference in this mindset. I’m working on myself to step out into the light and walk boldly with God, wherever and however that looks, and allow myself to make some mistakes along the way. I cannot grow if I stay hidden in the shadows. Oh but it is uncomfortable and frightening to step out but I know that God will never leave me nor forsake me and He loves me with an everlasting love, even if I don’t love myself right now. I’m a work in progress. I appreciate your story. It helps me feel less alone. God Bless You for stepping out and sharing. Your light shines brighter with each new post.
I’m am so glad to hear that you feel less alone. I have felt extremely alone in my faith struggle for years now. Part of my reason for wanting to share my story in a format like this is to find others like me so I don’t feel alone. We need each other 🙂