OK guys. This is where my story really gets rolling. Let me get right down to it.
Up until 2008 God and I appeared to have had a really good thing going. I had happily devoted so much of my life to him and to my Christian faith. It all just seemed like it was a beautiful match that was perfectly meant to be.
Then things started to shift.
Not long after my husband and I got married we felt it was time to start a family. As my longing for motherhood grew I began to pray and ask God for a precious little baby of our own. After all, it seemed like most of my college friends who had already gotten married were on the fast track to parenthood. Naturally I assumed I was next in line on the conveyor belt.
It never even crossed my mind that God wouldn’t answer a request like this with a resounding ‘YES!’. I mean, he was the one who fashioned within me this intense desire to become a mom, right?
And I had been so well-behaved, right?
And he’s a good God who loves me, right?
And I can trust him…right?
It didn’t even seem possible that God would say No to such a good and pure request. The pregnancy announcements popping up everywhere around me seemed to be proof of that.
Well friends, let me tell you it really is true that nothing is impossible for God.
Because…he did say No.
And not just once or twice. He said No over and over and over again. And continued to do so for months…and months…and months…on end. I didn’t understand what was happening. It was all so hard for me to wrap my mind around.
So, taking what all my years in church had taught me, I figured it was just a little lesson in prayer, faith and perseverance or something. I thought I just needed to ‘keep the faith’ and ‘keep trusting God’ and ‘keep asking’. I thought I just needed to keep being obedient and not argue and it would all soon work out.
However, my heart would sink a little lower and lower each month as I stood there sorting out the aftermath left behind by yet another wave of disappointment.
I had built my entire life up until this point on the God of the Christian religion. Now, I could feel the first icy winds of skepticism start to nip at my heart.
But, the childlike part of my heart still believed. That precious, naive part of my heart still believed God would do it. That part of me still wanted to hold out hope for the miracle for just a little bit longer. With all the innocence of a child, I still wanted to believe my heart’s precious desire was just one more faith-filled prayer request away. I wanted God to know I trusted Him that much that I was willing to go all-in and pray the biggest prayer request my heart contained at the time.
So, it was June of 2008 when I prayed my very last prayer request. I knew it would be my last because I knew I simply wouldn’t have anything left after that. So much trust and so much hope was now quickly losing ground to so much disappointment.
I was getting completely worn out and exhausted. I was hitting the “I just can’t do this anymore” phase of the struggle.
But, I did still have a tiny bit left in me to ask one more time. I was going to try again and bring every last ounce of childlike faith and trust I could muster and hope it was enough to get the mountain to budge.
I thought maybe God was setting the stage to do something big. I thought he was going to swoop in at the very end and save the day. I thought he was letting me free fall but would surely catch me at the last second. I thought he was letting the clock run down so he could make the game-winning shot at the buzzer.
So, exhausted yet still trusting, I knelt down to pray and to ask just one more time…
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There is a song by Garth Brooks that says “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” In the midst of those unanswered prayers we feel let down, hurt, angry. In reference to your equation I feel like I must have done something wrong to not be able to have this family. Being raised in the Catholic Church has left me to feel ungrateful (Yay Catholic guilt) because I have a beautiful, loving step-daughter and still my heart aches for a child of my own. Faith is like a roller coaster, a theology teacher once explained to me. I deal with this same prayer request every day, every month to be let down again. I ask for the strength to come to terms that it will not happen and yet my heart can’t get past it. I feel disappointment for being told through my life that all you have to do is pray. I’m glad to know that a believer with a faith like yours feels/felt the same way I feel. It’s nice to know you are not alone.
I’m so glad you’re here. You are definitely not alone. I have felt extremely isolated and alone over the years and that is actually a huge driving force behind why I’m sharing my story on a platform like this. I don’t know why God has some of us walk the roads we have to walk. But I do know it’s a little easier to walk when you don’t feel you’re going at it alone. You being here and chiming in with this beautifully honest comment helps me feel like I’m not alone either. Thank you so much. Let’s keep walking together :).
I have learned that God works at his place and I can not rush his process. I have started praying for God to show me what he wants me to do. I learned patience over the years and to pray for me to accept what is in store for me,. I may not like some of the outcomes, but accept what is before me. This was not a swift learning process, but years on ups and downs.
Yes, yes, yes! I love those words “I can not rush his process.”. Man, that’s a hard lesson to learn! I admire your perseverance and wisdom and perspective. Sounds like you’ve had your fair share of rough waters to navigate! Thanks for chiming in Nancy! 🙂