It’s like I was playing a game of roulette.
I boldly came to the table and I held nothing back. I went all-in with everything I had left. Not out of arrogance or pride, but out of complete trust and confidence in who I thought God was. I bet everything my heart had on red–the color of love like God’s heart. I was sure I would ‘win’. The loving God I had learned about in church my entire life would surely come through for me on something as big as this.
But remember, God is capable of doing things we never thought possible.
I got to see this firsthand. I watched in complete horror as that little ivory ball landed on black. I had lost. It was all over. I went all-in with everything I had left, every last ounce of childlike faith, on red and the ball landed on black anyway.
My world came crashing down around me as I found myself staring, yet again, at another negative pregnancy test. God had said No…again.
He didn’t save the day. He didn’t catch me. The clock ran out and the ball sailed past the rim.
No victory lap. No confetti. No round of applause. No standing ovation for the hero of the story. I trusted God with everything I had and in every way I knew how and he let me down. He let my heart shatter into a million pieces on the pavement. He didn’t come through for me. He just let me…fall.
In that moment, everything changed. Â
There were no more second chances, no more do-overs. I simply had nothing left. I knew there was no way I could ask again the next month. I had been asking and trusting every month for months and months and months on end. I left it all on the table in June of 2008.
At this point, there was nothing left to give me any reason why I should bother asking ever again…for anything. The struggle had taken its toll on me and it broke me. I was left worn out and completely defeated.
Nothing had worked and I couldn’t figure out why. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I was trying to do all the stuff everyone was telling me to do–from medical folk to church folk. I was trying so damn hard to do everything right.
But none of it was working.
I was desperately searching for an answer, any answer, to explain why nothing was working. Then, I heard something quietly whispered to my heart that suddenly made all the difference and seemed to be the only thing that finally made any sense to me at all.
Why wasn’t anything working? Well, because…
God can’t be trusted with what you hold most near and dear to your heart.
And there it was.
God is not a God I can trust.Â
The lie was presented before me and I swallowed it whole. It’s the lie the serpent has been using since the beginning of time and it was the only answer to my many ‘why’ questions that seemed to actually work.
And since I was desperate for something…anything…to make sense of my pain and confusion it seemed like the very answer I was looking for. Finally something made sense.
Finally something seemed to actually work.
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I’m so tired. I keep trying to “believe better” in the power of God’s unyielding goodness. To have a faith that is rock solid, and to trust Him alone, not myself. I vascillate between good moments and bad moments every day. It has been an emotional roller coaster of epic proportion trying to come to terms with the hard season i am now in. The devil has a grip on me, and i ask God to remove the grip, but it remains steadfast. I’m so so tired of asking.
Ugh, man. Hard seasons are just so damn hard. There’s really no other way to put it. And, there’s really no other way around it. You just gotta go through it. When I was in the hardest and darkest season of my story, I had a pastor in my life who refused to give up on me. When something happened that took my story from bad to worse, he wrote me a note. Honestly, I rolled my eyes at it at the time, but now I sorta am starting to get it. He said “of all the things he’s learned about God, there are 2 things he’s absolutely sure of. 1.) God loves us a massive amount. 2.) We can trust him in all things–especially in the stuff we can’t understand.” This is not surface level trust. You gotta dig real deep and weather some crazy stuff to be able to utter those kinda words.
Another wise pastor 😉 recently told me “When you find yourself in the wilderness, pay close attention to God. He wants to speak to you there.” Hosea 2:14 has a cool way of putting it: “But then, I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her there.” May God use this time to tune your ears to hear the tenderness in His voice. There’s no other sound like it 🙂
I’ve been having the same struggle.. 10 yrs and counting.. and have related to so much of what you’re sharing, Christine. Thank. You.
10 years, wow. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to walk this road. I promise I won’t give you any cliché advice or encouragement ;). I definitely won’t give you any Bible verses to meditate on or promise to pray for you. For me, none of that stuff made any difference anyway. I know people mean well with such things, but for me it only added fuel to a fire that was already burning. So, none of that. I will, however, keep sharing my story with you as honestly as I can. I won’t make it sound any worse than it was, but I won’t make it sound any better than it was either.
Obviously, I have no idea how your story goes or how it will end. But, if me sharing my story helps you feel a little less isolated and alone, then I am so honored to have you here. Hugs.
“It’s the lie the serpent has been using since the beginning of time…” So true. Thank you for sharing.
It’s a really good lie. I mean, it’s been working for thousands of years and humans keep falling for it. Sigh…
Unanswered prayer is a big motivator to lose faith for me as well. I get that. Great analogy!
Ah yes, prayer. I have so many thoughts on this whole topic but I’ll save them for future blog posts. Stay tuned…haha.