June 2008 marked the beginning of my departure from Christianity.
That was when I told God I was done trusting him with this most precious desire of my heart, or anything else for that matter. I did keep going to church for the next couple of months more so out of habit than anything else. However, my heart towards it all was now so sharply changed.
Some of you know exactly what I’m about to describe.
Instead of peace, I felt agitation. Instead of comfort, I felt aggravation. Instead of joy, I felt anger. I rolled my eyes so many times during the services it’s a wonder I can even still see straight today. I also covered my bulletins with impressively intricate doodles as I counted down the minutes to when the whole miserable ordeal would be over…Sunday after Sunday.
As the weeks went on things only got worse. I felt like the only person in the sanctuary who was fighting such a fierce inner battle. Everyone else just seemed so…happy…joyful…brainwashed?
I was beginning to feel completely out of place and completely different than everyone else around me.
The EXIT sign suddenly glowed brighter than it ever had before.
The damage had been done and it seemed there was nothing left of my faith worth salvaging. Things were unraveling fast.
Once I realized I was only going out of a sense of duty and obligation, I gave myself permission for the first time in my life to take a break from church and find something else to do with my Sunday morning. I thought I was going to just take a break for a few weeks and let things settle back down. I thought maybe things would get better. Turns out, my decision to take this little break was actually ushering in a whole new season for me.
One week turned into two. Two weeks turned into a month. Then six months, then a year…a few years. For the next eight years I stayed away from the church. During this time I tried to put as much distance as I could between myself and Christianity.
In addition to not going to church on Sunday mornings, I also stopped attending all other church activities that had previously dominated my calendar: small group Bible studies, prayer meetings, worship nights…potlucks with their weird side dishes and questionable casseroles.
It got to the point where I wanted to erase all evidence of my former identity as a Christian from my life.
I stopped talking about God and religious stuff (unless it was about what a pathetic hoax I thought it all was). I stopped hanging out with most of my Christian friends. On one particularly angry day I threw out stacks of Bible study notes and workbooks that had actually been quite dear and valuable to me during my college years. Now I wanted them all gone.
I didn’t want anybody who met me in the future to know I had ever been a Christian.
And yet here I am now, on the other side of a miracle, sharing the story of my faith journey with all of you. And believe me, no one is more surprised by this one than I am.
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I just sat and read post #1-15! I couldn’t stop reading! And can’t wait for more posts. Thank you for your honesty- that is so raw and I’m glad you didn’t let fear stop you!! There is a lot of similarities with seasons of my life here too. You are eloquently writing it out and I’m enjoying reading along thinking.. yep.. yep. Also, always knowing I have my God, too! ✝️
Hey! So good to hear from you! Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It’s a little bit of a tough read right now but it does get better, I promise 🙂
It’s like you’re inside my head. This past Sunday I was sitting on the lawn at church, so far away from anyone else, not so much due to social distancing, but more because I don’t feel like interacting with others and having to pretend to be a happy Christian guy who is all in love with God right now. I left service early while communion was going on to escape people and the apathy that was consuming me. Even during the first 10 minutes of service during announcements I was scrolling thru IG to keep myself busy from being annoyed by the person talking about the future of our church! (It didn’t entirely work and I was still irritated by some of the idiotic comments that were made about how difficult it has been for our vision team during this time. Uh, I think others have it a lot harder than just having to meet on Zoom!)🙄. After I got home I had to even walk into another room as I found myself getting frustrated as I could hear my wife’s pastor on their live stream talk about the wonderfulness and loving God we have.🙄🙄🙄. I have been going to service out of habit and to see friends I have, but that’s the only reason, and I think that may be changing very soon too.
Sorry this was soooo long. Thank you for your honesty and candor Christine, and I’ll try to keep my rants much shorter in the future.
You never have to apologize to me for long comments left here. Especially not on this topic! I have felt so alone and isolated in my faith struggle over the years. So every time someone like you or anyone else chimes in with thoughts that echo my own, I finally start to feel like my tribe really is out there somewhere. I can’t wait to get the facebook group launched (soon…very soon 😉 ) so more of us can connect and find that sense of belonging that’s hard to come by in our Christian circles. Thank you for your honesty Phil!