Anger. Not just any kind. Anger towards the Almighty God himself.
Now that is one thing I know a little bit about and is actually a huge part of my story. To clarify though, I’m not talking about disappointment or frustration. I’m not talking about deep sadness or even heartbreak.
I’m talking about capital-A ANGER.
A fierce, unquenchable, wild, red-hot raging anger…towards God. It’s an anger that goes deep and only seems to gain in intensity as it bores gaping holes in your heart. If you’ve been there too, you know the kind I’m talking about and that it needs no further explanation.
This is the type of anger that caused me to completely reject the faith I grew up with–a faith I loved very much up until this awful turning point in my mid-twenties. It was an anger that changed the landscape of my days and how I viewed the world. If I wasn’t screaming wildly at God for betraying me and allowing such unfair, crushing disappointment into my life, I was doubting he even existed at all.
Because how could he? How could he do it? How could he just string me along, knowing how much I was willing to trust him with my whole heart? How could he just let me…fall? I trusted him to catch me and it’s like he just turned around and walked away instead.
God had said no to other prayer requests before, but this was the first time I ever felt like I was staring directly at the back of God’s head.
Gone were the days of childlike trust and hope, faith and wonder. Instead, I became skeptical and cynical, bitter and jaded.
But the anger. The anger towards God is what consumed me.
As my anger raged on, ironically I found myself stuck between being so fiercely angry at God and yet at the same time wondering if he even existed at all. I’m a black-and-white, this-or-that thinker. So even I knew I couldn’t have it both ways. It had to be one or the other. Either God was real and I was correct in directing my anger towards him or, he didn’t even exist at all and I had to let him off the hook and direct my anger towards fate or science or karma or something.
Because, logically, how could I be so angry with something that didn’t even exist?
I knew I had a choice to make and there was really only one option I was interested in.
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