God can’t be trusted. He may exist, but he certainly can’t be trusted.
That was my new conclusion.
If I couldn’t trust God with the most precious desire of my heart, what else couldn’t I trust him for? What else had I been wrong about that I had believed my entire life?
Questions like this assaulted my mind daily without rest. My heart was being annihilated by an ambush of doubt and skepticism and I was powerless to fight my way out of it.
The heart, nature and even the very existence of God was being called into question for me. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how a loving God could continually say ‘No’ to such a pure and innocent request for this good thing my heart desired. A desire I believed He placed there in the first place!
After all, as his daughter, I wanted nothing more than to trust Him and to please Him and to share with Him what was most near and dear to my heart. I took shaky steps to trust Him even when it stretched me to my breaking point for me to do so.
But it was like my heart and all its desires meant nothing to Him.
I had come before Him like such an innocent child, my heart so full of trust. Instead of having my own miracle story placed in my hands to share the exciting news about, I was left crushed and heartbroken. Painfully empty-handed.
Honestly, I think it would have been a little easier if I didn’t believe in God during that time of my life.
At least then I would only be mad at the universe, or fate or science or the doctors or something. Oh no, not so with a person who believes in a loving God. That becomes a whole other battle ground. That becomes a completely different fight.
And that is where it got downright brutal for me.
I did believe in a loving God. I absolutely believed there was a loving God out there who had created me and knew me and knew what was in my heart. A God who tells me to call him “Abba”, Daddy. A God who I had been taught about my whole life and who seemed so wonderful. I liked him. I liked the loving God I read about in the Bible and heard preached about and sang songs about. I liked the God Christians were always smiling about.
But this seemed like a very different god. This god seemed mean and cruel and…tricky. Why would a god who loves me so much allow such unspeakable pain into my life?
If I was supposed to learn to trust him, why was he teaching me not to?
The evidence was building all around me. What other conclusion could I possibly draw from what was obviously playing out right in front of me?
The truth was now more clear than ever: God is not a God I can trust. Not now. Not ever.
Case closed.
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I am feeling the exact same way. My ex wife has not let me see my handicapped son for 5 years and she cut off my phone calls about 4 years ago. I took care of my son. I fed him, bathed him, held his hand when he had seizures, went to all his surgeries. He slept in a room with me for nearly his entire life. I took him out to friends the movies and all kinds of activities.
My ex wife worked nights so she slept during the day. I am truly losing my sanity. I think of him and I panic. I have terrible dreams he is trapped in a house calling for me. Horrible nightmares. It is cruel beyond measure and God does NOTHING! God has ruined my relationship with Him. He said is anything too hard for me? Well obviously some things are. Or He lacks the will to help. He is my abuser and yet I have to pray to the one who is destroying me with His indifference. He has hardened my ex wife hearts and my son has been cut off from his Dad who loves him. How can he comprehend what has happened to me? Why I stopped calling or seeing him. I tried to visit last year and she called the cops on me and I did nothing to deserve that. I call his school and they refuse to give my any information citing confidential information. My own son.
I can’t truly tell you the pain and sorrow in my heart. The things God has put me through. If someone could have shown me at 17 what my future held I would have blown my brains out and said No way.
People tell me well your story isn’t over, but I will be 60 in December. I don’t even know how my son is doing. I am hopeless. God can’t be trusted. He’s a God of inequity. Some people He loves. Like David. If God had appeared to David as a boy and said these are your 2 plan options, slay a Giant, be King of Israel, write all the Psalms, and actually I will be one of your descendants or you can have this man’s life (meaning me) David would have turned away in horror from my plan. No sane human would choose this Hell God has put me in. I am hopeless because of God. Our sorrow is nothing to Him. He feels no pain, no panic, no heart breaking thoughts, no nightmares, no deep sorrow. I am nothing to Him, but a speck of dust. Job was right when he said God has become my enemy. He has made me His target. And I haven’t even told you all of my story. I also have 2 daughters. My oldest daughter got married 3 years ago in September and I wasn’t even made aware or invited to her wedding. My children have been turned against me by their Mom and my ex wife is a Pastor’s daughter. She attended Christian schools. My kids from kindergarten to college attended Christian schools. I want to take my life, but I keep hoping. As a child we sang a song in Church. God has a plan for my life. God has a plan for my life. Just you wait and see, what’s in store for me, Cause God has a plan for my life. His plan was evil, and cruel, and heartless, and unjust. All His promises have failed. My plan is 100000000 times better than God’s heavy hand. I am hopeless.
Hi Steven. Wow, it sure does seem like you’ve been surrounded by a number of challenges with your family many of us don’t have to go through. The fact that you’ve hung on this long (even by perhaps the thinnest of thin threads) is inspiring. When I read through your words, I think ‘damn, this guy is a fighter!’. Weak people give up, strong people stick it out and fight.
I see you fighting for your children. I see you fighting to make right the injustices that have fallen into your life. I see you fighting to reconcile who you always believed God to be with the awful, unfair things that have happened in your life. That, my friend is a TOUGH fight. Only someone with true grit would stick around and try to take down that Goliath. You just might be more like David than you think ;).
One phrase you mentioned really stuck out to me. You said that ‘All His promises have failed.” If you could boil it down and sum it up, which promise that failed is the one that bugs you or angers you the most? (You don’t have to respond here with any sort of answer. Just something to think about as you think about God.)
Thanks for sharing your story/struggle here. I’m glad you stopped by. I can’t really fix anything for you or make God make sense to you or anything like that (how’s that for encouragement, haha). But, if you have nodded along to any part of my story I’ve shared so far, I hope you’ll stick around. I sincerely hope it gives you the encouragement you need to make it around that next bend.
First thing I appreciate your kind words. What bothers me most I guess is God’s inequity. In 1st Samuel 30 David’s wives and children were kidnapped it says David was in great distress but David found strength in the Lord. God directly answered him specifically told him what to do and assured his success. That is the kind of God I could trust. David was in distress, he inquired of God what to do, and God did exactly what He said He would do. David had reasons to trust God because God gave him success in everything David did. He knew by God’s actions that God loved him. Even Joseph, had the benefit of God’s divine influence. He had the prophetic dreams to sustain him. God blessed him so much that even a heathen like Potiphar knew God was blessing him because it was so supernatural. Even in prison God proved He was there by granting Joseph favor to be promoted in prison. God gave Him the interpretation to the dreams in prison which came true.
You see God cheats. When things were bad with then He supernaturally shows up, speaks to them, blesses them, gives them victories, and does things to help them keep trusting. It’s a visible thing too. Not some nebulous well God is with you nonsense. They had physical proof by His actions. Imagine if Joseph never got out of prison, or if Moses had failed, or David never found his family. We see their success and they have that manifestation throughout their lives. They can cling to that even in the bad. We are not so blessed. Well most of us don’t have such privilege and assurance.
Many Christians today have their families taken from them and God doesn’t work and we’re told “ oh He suffers with you, Oh his ways are beyond yours. Oh He has something better.” Lies lies lies lies lies. Why did God save David’s family? What if God just left Joseph to rot in jail? You see God supernaturally intervenes and we are supposed to trust God because of it. But today God does not directly speak to us. Oh but you have something better the Holy Spirit. Really? The Holy Spirit has never given me a direct audible answer. Besides the Bible says David was filled with the Spirit of the Lord. 1st Samuel 16:13 so if he had the spirit of the Lord why did he have to inquire through the Ephod? I would give anything to have that avenue of communication. There would be no uncertainty.
When I was 11 years old my parents divorced and my Mom went to work for the 1st time. She hired a lady to babysit me and my 2 younger brothers. That entire summer that lady sexually abused me. Did horrific things which haunted me well into my 30’s. After she was finished abusing me I would run into my room and pray because I felt a terrible dread. The shame was unimaginable and I was powerless to stop it. That lasted for months. I was afraid to tell because she threatened me and that she would harm my brothers. What makes me so angry is God says is anything too hard for me? If God is all powerful and sovereign He could have protected me and still arrived at the same result, but no that was the cruel plan God had prepared in advance for me before the foundation of the world. I can tell you today that God is not just. You May say He suffered too. Big deal. That doesn’t diminish my pain. Why do some of us have to experience tremendous atrocities while others who love the Lord are never truly challenged. And you know what? There is absolutely nothing God can say or do for me that would justify it. You know why? Because God writes the story. He could weave a thousand different stories with much better outcomes and still have His will completed. He makes this claim Himself. Therefore my only conclusion is God is cruel and unjust. He does not keep His word. He intentionally inflicts us with great harm and tragedy just to see if we will break so He can be glorified. But if we do break in honesty He will simply burn us in Hell forever.Just look what He did to Job over a bet. If He had asked me where was I when you laid the foundation of the world I would have said that’s irrelevant. I want to know why you betrayed me. Job should have argued a better response. . And we all know all of those questions to Job were irrelevant. And even then most historians agree Job’s troubles lasted 6 months to a year. Maybe less.
As to promises God has broken or never fulfilled
ask and it shall be given.” A lie
You have not because you ask not – A lie
The Lord is good- A lie
Taste and see that the Lord is good- A lie
No good thing does He withhold- A lie
He gives strength to the weary- A lie
When you walk through the fire you will not be burned- A lie
He will make your paths straight- A lie
Your Father in Heaven gives good gifts to those who ask Him- A lie
Whatever you ask for in prayer….believe and it will be yours-A lie
For everyone who ask receives- A lie
He will respond to the prayer of the destitute-A lie
I know the pans I have for you, to bless you not to harm you-A lie
I will give you the desires of your heart-A lie
He will make your paths straight-A lie
The Lord God will make you prosperous in all the works of your hand- A lie
Before you yet finish speaking I will answer-A lie.
You know I truly believe God can do anything. I believe He loves some people and that they can literally take His promises to heart, but I know God chooses. Did he not hate Esau?
I will explain like this. God has destroyed my trust in Him by His actions and failure to act. God challenges me well you’re the clay, but I never asked to be clay. The pain, shame, sorrow, tremendous loss, and hopeless He has forced upon me is not worth the cost of knowing Him because now I am afraid of Him. How can I love someone who is so cruel and has no compassion?
Suppose there was a family and they had 2 children. One was loved and adored and praised and doted over. He was given great opportunities and favor. The second child is locked away in a room, allowed to be abused by strangers. He is hungry, hopeless, afraid, crying in utter despair. He sees the inequity. He longs to be loved by His Father. He is told He loves you both the same. But you can SEE that’s a lie. Even though you don’t wish harm on your brother if He treated you both equally you could take some comfort in that. But the only response he receives is you have to Trust Me or reject Me at which point the suffering I am putting you through now is nothing compared to what I will do in the future. So eventually the child loses hope. He doesn’t even want His Father’s love anymore. He just wants an end to his suffering. He has been fooled one to many times to believe His Father is good and it’s not Satan’s lie or whatever it is the choices a Sovereign God has made that He has the ability to change. That is the ultimate dilemma. You are God. You write the story. You have the power to make victories from our trials, but You never do. It’s one bitter trial to the next. Like I said I’m 60. My time is short. My best and most years are behind me. I’m not 25 or 35 or even 45. God has wasted my life. I truly wish He had never created me. And I can’t forgive Him. I can’t believe a lie. I just can’t anymore. He’s fooled me to many times to take the bait again.
Again thanks for your blog. Thanks for sharing your troubles and allowing me to vent. I know you don’t have answers and the One who does won’t condescend to answer. I’m not sure where your story is headed, but if your prayer is not answered keep fighting. If God answers the same prayer for someone else If He is truly just you should have the same outcome.
I will read your response but I won’t reply and waste more of your time or blog, but I am grateful you shared the feelings you have because I have been there too!
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Wow, you have been through…much. Thank you so much for being here and sharing so much of your honest thoughts on things. I can’t help but like you already 🙂 . I like the way you think, I like the way you reason, I like the way you…argue? You’re actually engaged in what you do (or don’t) believe which is way more than some people can say! I’ve wrestled hard through many things over the last 12 years. Some of my hang-ups have been healed…but some still haven’t been yet. BUT, finding people to talk to who will let me vent and just get it out of my head and into the universe without trying to solve anything for me have been the most helpful people I’ve come across.
If it helps you at all to just vent and get your thoughts out there in a space like this, please keep doing so. Reading your comments doesn’t waste a minute of my time. And, uh, you probably know your Bible better than I do so I wouldn’t dare go up against you and try to challenge anything you said anyway…lol. Arguing and challenging viewpoints is rarely helpful anyway. This is more of a space to let your heart be heard without anyone firing back at you.
I’m so glad you’re here.