My faith was a set-up for betrayal.
It strung me along for years before turning on me.
Growing up, everything I thought I knew about the Christian faith was adding up to one big, beautiful input-output equation. It was all cause and effect. It all made so much sense.
Good behavior gets rewarded. Bad behavior gets punished. Follow the rules and all will go well with you. Break the rules and accept your due consequences.
It was as simple as that.
For the most part this warped way of thinking went largely unchallenged in my life. I was doing my best to live a good little Christian life. In return, I didn’t think my life was all that bad. I just assumed one had everything to do with the other.
However, in June of 2008 a perfect storm of good behavior, expectation, and disappointment tore its way through my heart. As it carved its unforgiving path, it completely destroyed my faith in a good God and left lasting devastation from which I am still trying to rebuild (much more on this later).
It wasn’t until I got brutally honest with myself years later did I start to realize where I had gotten it all wrong. It’s when I had to face head-on the hard truth of what I had actually built my ‘faith’ on.
I had built it all on a formula. Without even realizing it I had managed to build my Christian-girl faith on a flawed, simplistic equation rather than on the very character and promises of God.
I had reduced my understanding of God down to something I could predict and understand and I called it faith.
This was a nasty little pill to swallow. But, it’s what I honestly believed. I thought if I behaved well enough, God would bless me and wouldn’t let anything ‘too bad’ happen in my life.
But, when profound disappointment hit my life anyway, I was left feeling confused, angry and utterly betrayed.
In my betrayal I directed my fierce anger heavenward and screamed wildly at God for letting me down so mercilessly. I didn’t know what else to do but I think it was a level of honesty from me God appreciated. Even so, it only made matters worse that the more loudly I screamed, the more he seemed to remain…silent.
Until one day, some time later, I heard him respond to my bitter accusation.
With all the gentleness of grace yet with all the directness of truth I heard him quietly tell me:
‘I didn’t let you down back then. Your equation did.’
“I had reduced my understanding of God down to something I could predict and understand and I called it faith.”
This!!!!!!! I think this is much more common than one may think. Think about this too… is it not living in fear if we are afraid to make mistakes? I’m still stumbling around trying to figure out that balance of fearing God, but not living in fear. How does that work or how do you think that works?
Also, what do you think made God’s voice so clear for you when He said “I didn’t let you down back then- your equation did”? Were you in a time of constant worship, were you praying a lot, or did you just suddenly admit you weren’t able to carry the weight anymore? Was it something else?
Same here!
You ask the best questions Alexa! I’m no answer gal though…haha. So, I’m not really sure how to answer your question about fear/fearing God. At least, not on this blog post anyway. Perhaps it’s another conversation for another time ;). It’s a really good question!
But, I can tell you that when I heard God tell me “I didn’t let you down back then…” I was absolutely NOT in a season of worship or prayer or surrender or anything at all like that. It was quite the opposite. But, because you can still hear someone talking to you even when your back is turned to them, I heard Him just as plainly as that. I could no sooner explain it than I could understand it. But honestly, it didn’t really change anything for me right then and there. I still had a few more years of wrestling and struggle left in me. But I’m getting a little bit ahead of myself now… 😉
Been there, done that! Felt so let down, like what did I do so wrong that He would allow things in my life to happen. Not that He caused them, but He let them happen. I’ve yelled, cursed, walked away, came back a bit begrudgingly, and I’m still searching years later. Thank you once again for being so open and honest with what you went/are going through Christine.