#28. The Surprising Thing That Made it Worth It

There was only one thing that made my struggle worth it.

(And no, it wasn’t the ability to finally conceive a child.)

For a long time I was absolutely convinced there was no way it was worth it. I figured no amount of pain and heartbreak was worth whatever it was God was selling. Nothing was worth the level of pain and frustration I was experiencing.

Christianity felt like such a scheme and the “love of God” was the bait it was using to reel people in.

But as my story unfolded, I came to realize at the core of my struggle there was one deep, unmet longing I held in my heart that everything else was connected to. If I made it through to the other side to find this one longing still unmet then…well…let’s just say I wouldn’t be writing this type of blog to share my story with you.

So, what was that one longing?

It took me a long time to fully identify it, but it was what my compass was pointing towards all along: a desperate longing to connect deeply with the heart of the Father.

It meant if God was real, I wanted Him to come and find me. If He truly loved me, I wanted to hear Him say it. If God was real, I was boldly asking him to prove it. 

God knew this is what was really going on in my heart long before I could put it into words. I thought back then if He would only answer my prayer for a baby, it would somehow prove to me He loved me and then I would feel truly connected to Him.

So sure, He could’ve answered my request and given me a baby back then, but even I have to admit that would’ve only held me over until my next request.

It wouldn’t have resolved the real issue going on in my heart.

He knew what I was actually asking for when I prayed and asked for a child. And he knew granting my request back then wouldn’t get me there. It would’ve merely been just another tally in the Win column and nothing more.

So, He denied that request.

And, well, you know what happened next.

But now I can see from a higher perspective what was really going on…

When I got angry and ran away, He came after me.

When darkness brought me to my knees, He picked me up. 

When I screamed to be let go of, He held on tighter.

When I yelled “You’re not at all the God I thought you were!”, He whispered “Exactly.”

When I argued back “Prove it!”, He calmly replied “Gladly”.

This is what made it worth it.

God knew where the problem was long before I did. It was never really about an unanswered prayer or about not conceiving a child. It was so, so much bigger than that. It was about me desperately wanting to connect with Him but feeling like He didn’t want to connect with me. When He continued to deny my prayer to conceive a child, it seemed to be further proof of what I was already fearing.

But, it put me in the perfect position to experience what my heart was truly longing for. Because there, on a back road to nowhere is where God met me and everything started to change.

He didn’t show up like a genie and start granting wishes so I wouldn’t be mad at Him anymore. He just simply started healing the hidden hurts and meeting me right where He knew I needed Him most.

It’s what convinced me there was way more to God than I ever thought I knew.

And that, my friend, is what got me here, to the convinced side of Worth It.

I don’t know what your “worth it” is. But if you don’t feel your struggle has been worth it, a question worth asking yourself is this: If you strip everything down, what would your “worth it” actually look like?

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Related Posts

#8. The One Question I Can’t Help But Ask

#9. How One Prayer Request Unraveled My Faith

#27. Is Christianity Worth the Trouble?

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Struggling with your faith? Not sure where you can ask your questions? Come check out my facebook group to connect with others who are sorting things out too: Complicated Faith: A Space for the Doubting & Questioning