If God was real, I wanted Him to prove it.
He saw this fight I was trying to pick with Him. But He didn’t rebuke me or punish me for what some might call an irreverent way of speaking to the Lord God Almighty. Rather, He rose to the challenge and set out to play along with my little game.
It’s like He looked right at me and said “Oh, that’s how you want to do this? Ok, I’m in.”. I can almost picture the twinkle in His eye.
He didn’t have to, but that’s exactly what He did.
He didn’t go on to prove Himself in a scientific or intellectual way though. God is so much bigger than all of that anyway. He proved it to me by going straight to where the problem was. He knew no amount of scientific proof, intellectual reasoning or answered prayer could take down the Goliath standing between us.
This was a matter of my restless, broken heart.
See, back in my dark days I told God many times if He wanted me back He was going to have to make the first move. I was tired of feeling like our ‘relationship’ was all my responsibility. You know, all of that input-output equation mess that got me so off track. I wanted God to show up without me doing a single thing to initiate it.
Umm, a quick word of caution here friends: be extremely careful if you take this approach with God. He might actually play along and strange things might start to happen you’re going to have to deal with…
Let me explain. Stay with me here.
Many nights just before I would fall asleep I would be thinking about all of this stuff and there in the silence I began hearing the words “I love you” sort of spoken over me. It was louder than any thought in my head, yet quieter than a whisper in my ear. Kid you not.
Sounds strange, right? You betcha.
This is the stuff I’m talking about. But I’m telling you honestly and truly this is what happened. On the one hand, I had no idea how to explain it. And yet at the same time, I knew. I knew exactly what was going on.
The God of the Universe was making the first move.
He heard my little ultimatum and because He knew the real problem was how I desperately longed to connect with Him (see previous post), I think He rather enjoyed the invitation to play ball.
Convincing arguments, loud debates and other people’s success stories were not going to do it for me. God knew that’s not what I needed. Impressive things like that were never going to speak to the broken part of my heart where the real problem was festering.
My broken, restless heart needed to feel pursued, understood and loved by God Himself in a very personal way for anything else to make any difference at all. He knew me that well to know that was exactly what I needed the most if the chasm between us was ever going to be bridged.
He’s that personal.
He knows me. He understands me. He gets me.
There’s nothing special about me though. God knows you, too. He understands you, too. He gets you, too…Even if you don’t know, understand or get Him back.
He knew exactly where I kept getting stuck. And He knows exactly where you keep getting stuck too. So, if you dare, ask Him to meet you there in that place. The place you don’t like to talk about. The only place you know would make it worth it or prove anything to you. Dig down deep until you get there.
But then…look out ;).
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Related Posts
#4. The Messy Process of Faith
#7. More on that Damn Equation
#28. The Surprising Thing That Made it Worth It
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Struggling in your faith? Looking for a safe space to sort things out? Check out my facebook group to connect with others who have doubts and questions too: Complicated Faith: A Space for the Doubting and Questioning
I love how God loves us.